Guys, I feel like it's important that I get this out, because... Well... It's been really bothering me for a while...
I've been... Harboring these feelings for some time now... It's been coming back, I thought I could work this out by myself, but so far... I've only suppressed such feelings until they resurface. I didn't want Bitty to worry, but I'm sure we'll work it all out.
Ever since my sister's funeral, back in March 2015... Well... I remember seeing so many people mourn for my sister. Everyone talked about how great she was, how she made them all smile, such a great person, doing so much in such a short life...
Ever since that... I've gotten this... Goal in life.
It wasn't just become a video game designer, it wasn't just go to college and do what she would've wanted me to do either...
I wanted to do something more...
I wanted to impact lives.
I wanted to make them better.
I wanted to make people smile.
Like... Like an angel.
That's THE REAL REASON why I call myself the Angel of Inflation, it's there was never an anime reference, that was made up, I'll admit, I lied about that, I didn't tell you guys because... I just didn't want you guys thinking I'm depressed or anything. I don't want people thinking I live in misery, because I've seen it myself, I've seen others go through worse... I've seen the family my sister took care of... I've seen it slowly fall apart... Just seeing that... It really breaks my heart, you can say her death really had an impact on my behavior. I didn't just care about what games I'll play next, what anime I wanna check out... I just wanted to bring It all back together... I wanted things to be the way they used to be... Seeing everyone together, happily... I can't even stand in her house without feeling some sorta sadness. I just want it all back, which is why I had that dream, it was my subconscious desire just to have her there, just so I could tell her everything that happened since her passing, especially Bitty.
I never brought up my sister for so long because I don't want to bring you guys down, but... I'll just admit it... I do feel sad sometimes, just like everyone else. When I'm telling jokes on my statuses... Sometimes... Well... Sometimes I might be harboring some feelings, because just seeing everyone makes me happy, and I don't want to take away that happiness.
Especially Bitty's happiness. Ever since meeting her... Ever since falling in love with her.
I've felt some purpose. I was never suicidal, as I said, I never fell into a state of depression, but... Before her, I felt... Aimless. Especially back in High School, when I'd spend almost every day in counseling, wondering what coping methods work best. Bitty is the Angel in my life, that's how I see it, it's because of her, I wanna be in her life forever, it's because of her, I can experience love, and it's amazing. Honestly, her and I are inseparable, it feels like she's the answer to my emotional problems.
There's something else I need to mention as well...
You guys... I... I hate talking all mushy like this, but, well... I sometimes feel like we're all a family, in a sense. Which is why I'm here, if I never got to knew anyone, I likely would've left as fast as I first came here. That and... I can't help but get these questions out of my head. This doesn't just apply the DA friends, but IRL too.
What if I disappeared? What would everyone think? How much do I matter try my friends? Am I just as loving and caring as my sister was?
Sometimes... I fear the answer to those questions aren't the ones I want. You know what answers I mean. I don't necessarily want attention, no, this isn't about anything like that, it's not popularity I'm concerned about, it's about making a difference, not just on here, but in real life. When the day comes and... Well, you know. I want to leave my mark on the hearts of people, and hopefully even inspire other hearts to be more kind, that even when times get tough, it's never truly over. Some people say life is nothing but downers, but in my eyes, they just gave up too soon, and they need someone to remind them of the good things to come, after all, you're not supposed to expect something and only that for the rest of your life, you live, that's how life really works, no pure good, nor pure evil.
I fear leaving this world without impacting lives, not for the sake of being remembered, but so I can carry on my sister's heart in this mortal world. I want to be important to the people. I want to be as loving and caring as my sister was, some of you might think that I managed to get over it in this past year, but... No, I never really got over it, I'm just learning to live with it, that's what I've learned in this past year, like anyone else, I still cry for her sometimes, I can't help but cry just thinking about the recent dream of mine where I got another chance to talk to her. But with every tear shed, my emotions improve.
But fear not, for I'm not depressed.
I don't want anyone thinking I'm on the verge of depression, in fact... I still smile. I'm still happy in life, I've learned to live on with only having my sister in my heart and not... And.... And not in her house... Waiting for my next visit, as much as I want to go over to her house and hope she's there... She won't be there, but rather... She's an angel. She sure taught me a lot of things, and now she's teaching me how to live life without her.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, I feel like I needed to get this out, hopefully you guys can help me get some closure on my inner conflicts, because it's been bothering me for some time now, but of course... It'll work out, I promise!